Quote of the Week
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"Life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% of how I
react to it."
-John Maxwell
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CHRONIC COMPLAINERS - A Blessing in
Disguise!
"I'm so tired of the constant complaining...but
what can I do?"
Everyone complains! That's right 100% of people
complain in some way. Yes, both you and me do it too!
It is a natural thing to do! It is an example of one
of the many ways we judge or evaluate how we are doing in life according to our
value system. One of the biggest benefits to complaining is how it motivates us
to grow in new ways.
It is really an important human learning tool. For
example, have you noticed it is only the complaints of pain in our body that
drives us to take better care of our health. Humbling at times, isn't
it?
But what about chronic complainers? Most of us have
at least one if not more in our circle of family, friends and colleagues. These
are people who use complaining repetitively to deal with their world.
It is how they have learned to survive,...so far.
These are the individuals who seem to thrive on being the "Eyore" in our "Winnie
The Pooh" life story. We would rather they were more like "Tigger" but alas,
they can't seem to get there, their "elation" pill is lost
somewhere.
If they are bothering you a lot this usually means
you may not have noticed how you use this behavior to deal with your world. If
you are in doubt about your complaining skills or its frequency simply check
with your significant other or a close friend. And I suggest you be sitting down
when you ask.
Once you own this behavior yourself and see how it
serves you, you will find it much less annoying in others...realizing you use it
too.
But, what if you want to assist a chronic
complainers to move forward? Chronic complainer are really quite easy to deal
with once you understand what is going on underneath their perspective. Let's
have a look.
Learn more tips and tools to communicate better with
others by attending 'An
Evening on Relationships'
Three really important secrets to remember about
complaining:
1. Everyone is a complainer and perceived by someone
as a complainer at some point. This is because, complaining, like beauty, is in
the eye of the beholder.
So, while you may not view yourself as a complainer,
someone else, with a different set of values, which is everyone, will view you
as complaining when you perceive you are simply stating the facts.
For example, if you state what you perceive is the
"real situation" in some political event then there is someone else, with a
different set of values, who will perceive you at that second as complaining.
Expect it to occur throughout your life.
2. It is important to understand there is a "want or
desire" beneath every complaint. And there is a want or desire underneath the
other forms of complaining including: whining, sulking, crying, blaming,
criticizing or attacking. That's correct, under ever complaint, whatever its
form, is someone who "wants something" they don't know how to get it...so they
are complaining.
3. Take them for "A Walk in the Park" using
five questions and help them move from complaining to problem solving in
minutes. Watch this video to learn more. "A Walk in the Park" is metaphor
for an imaginary park with five benches each with a question which moves the
complainer forward from complaining to finding what they need.
"A Walk in the Park"
Bench questions
are:
1. What do you want?
2. What are you doing to get it?
3. Is it working?
4. What else could you do?
5. Are you ready to make a plan?
Let's look at an example to see how this
works.
Jody, is a close friend who recently separated from
her spouse and has been complaining about it for weeks to you and anyone else
who will listen. She has been telling you her husband left her, she is stuck
with many bills and no support, and she is at her wit's end. She feels afraid,
alone and powerless.
Let's imagine you taking Jody for "A Walk in the
Park" over a coffee or lunch.
1.You take Jody first to the "What do you want?"
Bench.
You say: "Jody you are upset about this situation,
and I appreciate you feeling overwhelmed about it all. Tell me what you want out
of this situation for yourself now?"
Jody responds: "I want my husband back, I want help
with our debt because I can't carry it all on my own, and I want to stop feeling
so scared all the time."
You ask: "Which one is the most important to you
right now...the one you want to move towards dealing with
immediately?"
Jody says: "I would say I want to stop feeling
afraid all the time."
2.You take Jody next to the "What are you doing to
get it? Bench.
You ask: "Jody, what exactly have you been doing so
far to stop feeling afraid all the time?"
Jody responds: "Well, I have been calling him at his
mother's place every night. I have written him a letter begging him to come
home. I have asked his mother to help me get him back. I have asked my brother
and two sisters to talk with him. I even went to his workplace to see if I could
catch him at his lunch break to talk to him. I have also cleaned up the house
and got in his favorite foods in case he decides to drop by."
3.You take Jody next to the "Is it working?"
Bench.
You ask: "Jody, you obviously have done several
things to prevent you from feeling afraid. I want to ask a question. Think about
your answer carefully. Has calling him, writing him letters, asking his mother
or your brother and sisters to talk with him, or trying to talk to him yourself
or having his favorite food handy enabled you to not feel afraid?"
Jody: "Well, actually I think sometimes it is making
it worse because he is avoiding me and my family is getting frustrated with me
too. One of my sisters said I was better off with him gone, but I feel so
alone."
You say: "Jody, let me ask you this question another
way. The actions you took to reduce your fear, have they been
successful?
Jody: "Well when you say it that way and I think
about it, I have to say no they have not. In fact, they really increase my fear
sometimes."
4.You take Jody next to the "What else could you
do?" Bench.
You say: "Jody, these behaviors may have worked for
you in other situations, but you just said they are not working this time, it
that correct. (Jody nods) Then what else could you consider doing to take you
towards having less fear?"
Jody: "Well, I guess the opposite of being afraid is
being self-confident isn't it? So if I want to feel more self-confident I could
start doing things that give me a feeling of self-confidence like going out with
my girlfriends to the craft courses, or I could spend more time with my own
family who I know love me, or I could volunteer at the school where I would be
welcome and appreciated. And I could put in more overtime to give me more money
for the debts. Also, I could even go back to school part time, so I am better
prepared for a different future if he doesn't return. So, really there are many
things I can do to feel better."
5.You take Jody finally to the "Are you ready to
make a plan?" Bench.
You say: "Jody you have identified five new things
you could take to move towards feeling less fearful and more self-confidence in
your life. Which one do you think would start you on the road toward creating
the self-confidence you want, and which you would like to build into a plan of
action?
Jody: "I think I need to do them all, but the first
one would be to talk to my own family about what has happened. I am so
embarrassed, and yet I know they will be supportive and I need that right
away."
You say: "Jody, what specifically are you prepared
to do in terms of your family to reduce your fear and increase your
self-confidence? And specifically when, where, and how are you going to do it?
And who will it involve?"
Jody: "I will call my parents tonight about going
over for dinner on Sunday. My brother and sisters are usually there. I will tell
them all about my situation and ask them for their support regardless of whether
he comes back."
You say: "Jody, that sounds like a plan which will
move you towards more self-confidence and less fear in your life. To ensure it
is the best plan for you at this time, would you evaluate it in terms of your
commitment to doing it. On a scale of one to ten, with ten being the highest
commitment, how strongly are you committed to it?"
Jody: "You know, having someone to bounce my
situation off has given me a more objective perspective and challenged me to be
stronger and value myself more. I feel stronger and more able to deal with it
now. Also, I have learned this is probably just the start of me evolving myself.
I appreciate you not demeaning my situation or me. Thank you, this has been very
useful. So I am at definite ten."
You: "That's great Jody! Will you let me know how it
goes with your family? And, if you need to talk about it again just let me
know."
Jody: "I will do that. Thank you again!"
You may need to offer more assistance to Jody in the
days ahead as she struggles to get control of her life. However, the toughest
part for both you and Jody is over because she has started to take control of
her future again. In addition you have retained a valuable
relationship.
Dr. William Glasser, one of the last "Father's of
Modern Psychology", a world renowned psychiatrist, author, educator and speaker,
on whose ideas "A Walk in the Park" is based has often said, "Everyone is a
helper, we are all helping each other learn to appreciate our life as it is!"
"A Walk in the Park" provides the process to guide a
person, respectfully and decisively, from feeling out of control to being in
control of themselves and their life. It helps them appreciate, no matter how
bleak things seem, they can help themselves.
By being there guiding them through the park, you
assist them in uncovering the self confidence to make the effort. You are the
difference that makes a difference. By listening to them respectfully without
judgment, you honor them.
"A Walk in the Park" will work with anyone at any
time. This process is used widely throughout the world by thousands of the most
effective nonprofessional and professional helpers.
Chronic complainers are a blessing in disguise since
they provide an opportunity for two people to grow in ways they had not
imagined, gaining self appreciation in the process. "A Walk in the Park" takes a
person from ingratitude to gratitude - a blessed state of being.
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